Here’s the Thing. After 5 and a half years, I will be leaving my job at the end of this week.
I won’t say much about the why. The reasons are numbered and complicated and maybe not important anyway.
I’ll only say that after coming back to work from my maternity leave after Nathan was born, it just became more and more clear that some things in my life weren’t working any more and that I had to change them. I had this sense of “this is our family and now REAL LIFE can begin” and I knew that the job part of the life wasn’t working any more. A bunch more stuff was also not working (I really REALLY need to clean out that hall closet) but in terms of logistics and immediate impact, the job change was the biggest thing.
We went on vacation and I thought about things some more. I talked with Adam some more. I thought some more after that. And talked more. Tossed in my sleep (though the restlessness of a baby who didn’t sleep well on vacation may have been partly to blame there too), made lists, argued with myself, made some more lists and did some more talking.
When I came back from vacation I had made the decision to leave. For a lot of reasons, some really good and valid reasons, and some crazy, I felt really nervous about this decision and waffled back and forth about it for the few days before I got back to the office. But as the train that morning approached Grand Central, I grew more and more sure that I had to do this. And as I walked toward the door I felt even more sure. And as I walked into the office and felt the tension and stress immediately fill me up to the brim, to the verge of tears before I even turned on my computer, even though I’d already cleared out some emails and taken care of some urgent issues before I was back from vacation, then I knew what I had to do.
As soon as I spoke to my boss and made the decision a real THING and said “no I’m not going to change my mind” I knew that it was true. I was not going to change my mind or regret this at all. And while in the weeks that have passed (I gave an absurd amount of notice) I have often felt ridiculous, panicked, nervous, unsure, crazy, elated, manic, overwhelmed and flat out afraid, what I have not felt once was a change of mind. In fact, rarely in my life have I been so absolutely sure that I am going in the right direction.
I am wrapping things up. I’ve handed off projects and accounts. I have taken home Naomi’s art projects which decorated my space, have taken home the extra shoes I had hidden under my desk, have cleaned my desk of the lipglosses, stray soy sauce packets, band aids, loose paper clips and assorted flotsam that you some how accumulate in that top desk drawer (is that an unwrapped piece of gum? a broken hairclip? a loose advil tablet?) I’m ready to forget all these passwords for all these platforms, emails, systems that I’ve kept in my brain for more than 5 years. Who knows what I will be able to fill that space in my brain with?
Time to see what comes next.